Schlock Mercenary Wiki

Sergeant Schlock is a carbosilicate amorph "everyman" who packs a plasgun, an appetite, and a violent enthusiasm for his job.

He normally appears as a large grey-green cow-pattie-shaped mass with a mouth and eyes that comes up to about normal human chest height, though he can:

  • mold himself into the shape of any like-volumed object (but he can't change his color or texture, nor is he good at bipedal movement)
  • pluck an eye out and look around a corner with it
  • overeat to temporarily increase his own size dramatically (only observed in Schlocktoberfest 2001, final mention in Sargeant In Motion Pt 2)
  • reform with no adverse effects after being blown apart from the inside
  • conduct closer-than-melee biochemical warfare with totally unsurpassed skill, due to the unique circumstances of his immediate ancestry
  • direct and co-ordinate his powerful immune system well enough to purge nanites
  • store memories and thoughts in bits of his mass in order to exchange them with other amorphs
  • "fly" in low-G and 0-G environments by using 1 or 2 plasguns as propulsion and steering

His mouth is normally his only orifice, with which he eats, breathes, smells, excretes, and conceals weaponry. His only specialty organs are his eyes, which are not native to his body, but rather harvested from "eye trees." He originally had two eyes for the first part of his life, which were sliced out by a baby diamond beetle during Schlocktoberfest 2001, but he got another pair from the eye tree plantation on his home planet. He gained another pair after fusing with himself from the Averted Future, which he now keeps in his mouth to "watch what he eats". One of his spare eyes was ruined when he used it to store memories separate from his main body mass by inserting some of his material through a hole he poked into the eyeball, a drastic action that was made necessary in the "The Body Politic" storyline in order to prevent nanites from erasing secret knowledge of a military project. The other extra eye was destroyed during his purging of harmful nanites from his body and obliterated by TAG. Despite his small size, Schlock weighs at least 500 pounds. His 'brain', such as it is, is in fact spread throughout his entire mass, as is his 'nose', and he comments that humans get it better with one nose as they don't have to smell whoever sat on a taxi seat, etc. He has as many arms as the situation calls for, and never any legs. Apparently he slides everywhere. It isn't specified precisely what texture Schlock has, but he is most definitely dry and un-slimy. In his default state, he has a cute little curlicue of amorph-biomass on his head that makes him look like he has a forelock. One of his eyes and a small portion of his biomass was lost in a recent story arc, in which a group of nanomachines in a piece of biomatter he consumed attempted to "recruit" Schlock to their cause; his response was to cough up the infected parts, which were then promptly vaporized by the Touch-and-Go. In later years he would develop morals and a drinking habit landing him jail in very city he named, Jumpstar Prime using his Plasma Gun. He became less prone to violence he once was when he joined the company, but still will take out enemies who threaten his friends. In Tough's desperate mission to Andromeda Galaxy, Schlock would be issued FragSuit, and its nonsapient AI-copy of Cindy in it would be his only companion while he was separated from the rest of the Toughs.


Personality-wise, the Sergeant is violently enthusiastic (and enthusiastically violent) about his work, and his sense of humor can border on sardonic. He has absolutely no sense of subtlety, which is not to say that he can't have moments of extreme cleverness. He also has a nasty habit of eavesdropping on Captain Tagon during discussions on things he would prefer the crew not hear, or on other private moments, such as his happy dance. He has expressed an admiration for Breya's personality traits, and was at one point interested in producing offspring with her. (At a later date, Schlock made it clear that he was no longer interested in Admiral Breya when Kevyn was trying to get the amorph to kill his new brother-in-law, Haban II.) Despite Schlock's bloodthirsty attitudes, he makes friends surprisingly easily, due to his disarming candor and his amiable disposition towards anyone he isn't actively hostile to.

Schlock has become fairly rich over the years, due to his large ownership of company stock, lack of dependents and modest lifestyle. While he is dutifully interested in the company's finances, he is not particularly interested in money for his own sake, and remains with the Toughs more out of thrill-seeking and loyalty than for the pay, not that this stops him from demanding to be well-paid. His wealth allows him to issue large bribes and even hire other mercenaries on occasion.

He is addicted to Ovalqwik mix (a parodic portmanteau of Ovaltine and Nesquik that is actually "a very heavy stimulant cocktail cut with shampoo and inert ultra-tensile carbon".), which the Toughs order in bulk for him. His preferred method of ingestion is to eat it in powder form directly from the 55 gallon shipping drum, which he refers to as the "tub of happiness". It is actually used several times as essentially a "medical treatment" whenever he is physically wounded or mentally traumatized - while not remedying pain, it makes him "too happy to care."


He normally stores his considerable collection of firearms within his mass (morphing arms as needed, meaning that he is sometimes seen with three or more arms with a gun in each hand). His main weapon is a plasma cannon, which when armed emits an Ommminous Hummmmm and a satisfying "Thoom" sound when fired. In addition to this he carries a pair of sawn-off multicannons. He originally acquired these by taking a hullcutter to the barrels when his previous plasma cannon exploded and decided to keep them even after it was replaced due to the intimidation factor they have on any reasonably-informed opponent: sawn-off multicannons are terrifyingly unstable. This entire arsenal was lost as a consequence of the Shufgar storyline, and after momentarily considering dual wielding plasma cannons, he has settled on simply using one cannon with a spare. As of the Oisri arc, he carries an arsenal that includes plasguns, assorted large melee weapons and a supply of grenades (which nearly got him killed once, when he was incapacitated by a high-speed fall and Dr. Bunnigus couldn't aid him because his remains were riddled with damaged grenades). In response to that accident, Tailor invented a series of collapsible flight pods for him. In later years during his mission to the Andromeda Galaxy, he would have a form fitted highly module Fragsuit TT-13-A6 which could completely conform to his body and provide excellent mobility & firepower with non-sapient AI assisting him. His suit's non-sapient AI would be altered with a limited copy of Cindy, who would become his trusted ally.[1]



This page uses Creative Commons Licensed content from Wikipedia (view authors).